Nookie By Numbers
Posted by Dubbayoo | Filed under Amore & Vita, General, Lust
So, you gave it up to the last guy on the first date and a week later, you’re shocked at the realization that he has no intention of calling back. What did you do wrong, you ask? You gave him exactly what you thought he wanted. Well, let me tell your dumb ass. The trick to winning a man over is to always save something for next time. Give him an incentive to keep coming back for more and more. The amount of time he has to spend with you prior to being given the key to your castle assures one of two things.
- If he hangs around long enough to score you can rest assured he has an interest in the real you…otherwise he would simply move on to easier targets.
- You will now know enough about him to decide if he’s worthy of becoming the keymaster.
Women control the world. I am amazed that many of you are too clueless (translation – desperate to be loved) to figure that out. You control half the money and all of the pussy, and if you have all the pussy it’s only a matter of time before you have all the money.
Okay, you asked for it…you got it. W’s “Nookie By Numbers” guide to dating success. You want to keep that man interested and coming back for more? Want to prevent him from thinking you’re a prude yet not give the store away too soon? Here’s how ya do it.
I should note that this timeline is assuming you’re seeing him once a week. If you see him 3 times a week and give it up at the end of week 2 you can still color him gone. He may come back for another spin around the block but he’s probably not viewing you as girlfriend material. Also note that this timeline is inappropriate for “internet relationships”. If you’ve been talking on the computer/phone for weeks or months before meeting that’s an entirely different animal. Personally I believe it is okay under those circumstances to go all the way on the first in-person date, once you feel assured he’s not a homocidal axe-wielding maniac.
Date #1 – The Courtesy Kiss
A friendly hug and quick peck on the mouth. You must not allow his lips to remain in contact with yours for more than one second, although an encore 2nd kiss is permissable as long as it is also does not exceed one full second in duration.
Date #2 – The Dental Office Visit
The second week brings more kissing. Tonight you explore each other’s mouths with your tongue. The kiss is combined with a groping hug as long as long as no hands attempt to reach under anyone’s clothing. No limit on the length of the kiss but remember, you do have to work on Monday. Feel free to comment on the quality of any dental work you notice during the inspection.
Date #3 – Thanks for the mammaries
More kissing and groping with the additional bonus that you introduce him to “the twins”. That’s right. Let him remove your bra and suckle to his heart’s content. Any attempt to undo the belt buckle is strictly VERBOTEN!
Date # 4 – Oral Majority
Now we’re getting down to brass tacks. This stage brings manual stimulation of the genitalia. It’s okay to polish his knob for a minute or so (unless you think that’s all he’ll last), but you don’t want to swallow just yet…not at this juncture….wouldn’t be prudent.
Date # 5 – I’M BUCK NEKKID!!!!!
This should be the first time he gets to see you fully undressed. Kissing, oral sex, masturbation…it’s all good here. NO PENETRATION. Say it with me now…NO PENETRATION! You want to go down on him while still keeping him motivated to give you yours. The reason you want to do him first is if he’s already orgasmed once he’ll be less inclined to try talking you into letting him put it in “just for a few seconds, baby”. The tricky part here is that he may also be less driven to return the favor. This is a blessing in disguise because if he doesn’t return the favor now he damn sure won’t do it 2-3 months from now when he’s all comfortable with belching and farting in your presence. Simulated intercourse is a fun one here, just grinding against each other especially is he’s a thong wearing Metrosexual. After all, if he’s naked he might try to “angle it in by mistake”. I tried that one a few months ago myself. It’s hard to do and look cool while you’re doing it so if he makes it work you know he’s got skillz.
Date # 6 – IT’S ON!
Open the castle and invite him in for a quick tour. Don’t get freaky here. No toys, no cameras, no third parties involved and NO ANAL SEX. No need to clean your ears out. You heard me. No anal sex. Yes, I’m aware this is coming from someone that is addicted to all things booty. Still…don’t do it.
Date # 7 – More of the same
Date # 8 – Smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em
Now you can let him see your wild side and give him some backdoor lovin. At this point you know whether or not he’s a keeper and he knows if you are. You’re both adults…do whatcha like.
And there you have it. W’s “Nookie By Numbers” manual for not just gettin a man, but keepin a man. I would love to see a survey quantifying the odds of a long term relationship when two people have sex on the first or second dates versus later. My guess is you’ll see a linear path with the odds going up the longer it takes. Any questions? 
- This post is meant to be a joke. I came up with this in less than 30 minutes so there’s a few situations unaccounted for. It doesn’t really apply to people you’ve known for a while whether it’s in-person or over the Internet. It’s assuming this is a totally new relationship and you’ve met this person within the last month at most. I seriously do believe there is some validity to this.
Dear I.R.S.
Posted by Dubbayoo | Filed under General, Jokes
Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5″ Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5″ Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Slap Your Co-Worker Day is here!!
Posted by Dubbayoo | Filed under General, Jokes
Wednesday is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday
Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don’t care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty; you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?
Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow:
* You can only slap one person per hour – no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed…other than going upside somebody’s head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!
Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping…..and have a great day!
Watch the animated GIF File!!!!!
Well that’s just fucking great…
Posted by Dubbayoo | Filed under General
Apparently no DNA evidence was found in the case involving the Duke lacrosse team and the black stripper. While this can be seen as good news in the sense that it appears no crime was committed against her, it’s bad news in that she claimed there was. This is just what this country did not need….another minority crying wolf at the first sign of discontent. If it turns out that these guys didn’t perpetrate any inappropriate acts on this woman she should required to pay damages to these young men. One student-athlete was kicked out of school. They forfeited the rest of the season (when they hada shot at the NCAA title) and everyone lost a year of eligibility.It just makes me sick to my stomach when things like this happen. We have enough trouble already trying to convince white America that racism still persists in legitimate cases. False accusations like this raise the bar of necessary proof even higher every time it get any media coverage.
Sometimes we (blacks) are our own worst enemies. I’m from Atlanta and it’s sad to say but there are a lot of us who have never left the plantation, even though the gate is wide open. This didn’t really sink in until I moved away from the south and realized that not all of us behaved that way. We as a people need to get off our duffs and take control of our own future. The government is not going to save us.
In the past we rode in the back of the bus because we had to. Now I see kids doing it because they think they’re cool. We have historically low voter turnout, but we’re quick to complain when government doesn’t give us what we want. In order for us to grow as a people we need to leave the perceived safety of our own neighborhoods, stretch our comfort zone, and take advantage of opportunities that are out there for the taking. We need to stop calling each other n****r because if that’s all we think about ourselves what should we expect others to think about us? I’ve always said I don’t want to be given anything, other than a chance. Just get out of my way and I’ll get it myself.
In other news black rapper gets shot and killed. The only good reason to be up at 5AM on a Tuesday is because you’re working the graveyard shift or you woke up early to boff the wife before work. I guess he’ll finally get that oh so important “street cred” he’s been after all these years. Fucking idiots. Do the world a favor and kill yourselves off…putting you ass hats in jail costs too much.
Affordable In-Home LASIK Surgery You Can Do Yourself!
Posted by Dubbayoo | Filed under General, Jokes
It’s official….I have seen it all.
40 Mistakes Men Make during Sex……
Posted by Dubbayoo | Filed under General, Jokes
1) NOT KISSING FIRST
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the Ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.
Day Three…no sweat
Posted by Dubbayoo | Filed under General
Day three and i’ve only watched about 15 minutes of tv so far. Been on the bike at 5:30 every morning except today; it was raining pretty hard so I will do an hour when I get home. Yesterday I even ran on the treadmill after work. Protein pancakes or egg white omelet for breakfast; Starkist snack pak & Coke zero for lunch; energy bar at 4pm then breakfast burrito for dinner. I did have a donut or three at work. I’ll be highly upset if I don’t lose at least 6 lbs doing all this.
