YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH
Posted by swingate | Filed under General, Jokes, Phun
This is pretty neat.
DON’T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read …
Be sure you don’t read the bottom until you’ve worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it’s fun.
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First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10) -
Multiply this number by 2 (just t! o be bold)
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Add 5
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Multiply it by 50 — I’ll wait while you get the calculator
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If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755 ….
If you haven’t, add 1754. -
Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2005) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
Posted by swingate | Filed under General
After 18 years on the run, the long arm of the law has finally caught up with me. No, not it’s not that thing….I paid off the witnesses in that case. This time it was jury duty. I can’t believe how often they call you in California. In Georgia I was called once in 12 years. Since I moved to L.A. I’ve been called every single year. This was the first time that I haven’t gotten out of it. Anyway, luckily it was just a two-day trial.
The location – 3 bedroom duplex with a mobile home layout. You walk in the front door to the living room kitchenette. There is no hallway so in the back of that room there’s a door to the first bedroom where the younger sister sleeps. That room leads to the next room where husband/wife sleep. That room leads to the 3rd where 7 yr old boy sleeps.
The crime – Hispanic guy charged with burglary, intent to commit rape, and criminal threats. This guy wasn’t exactly a rocket scientist. He was riding his bike thru Wilmington around 9:45PM carrying a giant flashlight. He’s peeking into this duplex occupied by a hispanic couple in their late 20’s, her 16 yr old sister and their 7 year old son. Everyone is home. The sister sees the light and alerts the husband. He comes out and confronts the guy, what are you doing? He says he’s just passing thru and that he used to live in this area as a boy. He asks to use the phone, husband lets him then talks to a neighbor. The wife walks by the door so the man hands the phone back to her.
He asks the husband to watch his bike while he waits for someone to pick him up. Meanwhile he walks the other way around the duplex, stripping his clothes off along the way. He gets to the back and starts the Goldilocks & The three Bears routine.
He tears the screen to peek in the first bedroom window. The boy is in there so he’s on to the next. Next window is the husband/wife’s room…and a female is in there. He takes off the screen, climbs in the window (Burglary – 1st degree) wearing boxers, gets on the bed and grabs the woman. She’s in a t-shirt and panties. He tells her he has a knife and not to scream or he’ll put it in her (Criminal threats). He says “I seen you. You’re that girl that walks the boy to school”. She says “no, i’m not” (He thinks he has the 16 year old sister who is in the next room). He’s holding her down, one hand over the mouth and one on her stomach, grinding his hips into her (she can tell he’s hard), telling her his wife doesn’t turn him on because she’s fat. He realizes he has the wrong person. Tells her he doesn’t like forced sex.He says he gets aroused by his own teen daughter’s outfits. He gets an erection when he can see his daughter’s panties under her skirt. She testifies he told her he has his way with his daughter sometimes* (this is just before lunch so I’m not looking forward to eating after hearing this sh*t).
The woman works 11-7am in some sweatshop. It’s now 9:50PM so the husband comes in to wake her up. He finds the door locked, which it never is, so he opens it with a coin. He sees this man, who he was just talking to outside not 10 earlier, on his wife. There’s a struggle…the guy gets away but leaves his jeans, shirt, boots and flashlight. The police arrive. These people don’t speak english so a neighbor translates. They tell him they’ve never seen him before but that he used the phone. They find a phonebook in the jeans he left. The phone that he used shows the last number called and shockingly, it matches a number in the phone book. Let’s call Erica xxxx, shall we? It’s his daughter who doesn’t live with him and the wife…that wasn’t explained as to why. Erica, who just called you? “My dad”…..BUSTED! Wife later identifies him from mugshots (he has two priors) and the police pick him up a month later on an un related charge (one can only hope it was jumping on his daughter…sick fucker).
His story is that he was riding his bike home from a day labor job location. (It’s almost 10PM and he’s dressed pretty sharply for day labor work, which routinely end at dark anyway). He rides by the husband outside his front door but stops to tell him not to worry, he used to live nearby and he’s just going home. (The duplex door is off the street and down a dark walkway so he couldn’t have seen him from where he would’ve been riding).
He and the husband chat about the hood for 20-30 minutes and he has a beer. Hubby lets him use the phone; he hands it back to the wife. She gives him “the look”…you know the one. The one that says “my 7 yr old boy is in the room to the left, my 16 yr old sister is in the room to the right, my husband (who will be coming in to wake me up in 10 minutes) is right outside but please come take me anyway you unhandsome devil that I’ve never seen before. He says they kiss, she pulls him into the bedroom and they proceed to undress. (He claims he never saw anyone else there but to get to the wife’s room they would HAVE to walk right thru the sister’s bedroom which she was in at the time.) They start to have concentual sex but hubby walks in. BING BANG BOOM. He gets away wearing his boxers and claims he hid in the bushes all night. (If you have homies in the area why wouldn’t you go to one of them instead? And wouldn’t it be easier to use a payphone in your Hanes undies at night than to wait til broad daylight, Superman?)
Anyway, his story didn’t hold a drop of water. We deliberated MAYBE 45 minutes before returning with a guilty verdict.
Things you should know about Chuck Norris
Posted by swingate | Filed under General, Jokes
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Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
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Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
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Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
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Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
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Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
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Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
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The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
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Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
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Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t **** with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
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To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
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Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
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When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
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Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the **** out of little kids.
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Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity.”, then you are dead wrong.
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Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.
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Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
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When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
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In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
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Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
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Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
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Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn’t give him exact change.
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Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
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Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, “I’ll give you something to cry about,” and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
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Chuck Norris found out about Conan O’Brien’s lever that shows clips from “Walker: Texas Ranger” and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan’s wife.
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Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is “his” way.
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Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he’s Chuck Norris.
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At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn’t a racist.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That’s why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
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If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
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The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Internet Archive: Wayback Machine
Posted by swingate | Filed under General, Technology
Ever wanted to go back in time and view a website the way it used to look? Well, you’re in luck because so did a bunch of other people.
Internet Archive: Wayback Machine
Linkage
Posted by swingate | Filed under General, Triathlon
I found a couple of links to beginner triathlon training routines. Due to the short days I’m going to confine my weekday workouts to indoors then try to get in a short run/walk and bike ride on weekends.
http://www.winningmag.com/training/beginner/first.shtml
http://www.beginnertriathlete.com/default.asp
http://www.aarp.org/health/fitness/sports/triathlontrainingbeginner.html
From Man of Iron to Ironman
Posted by swingate | Filed under General, Narcissism, Sports, Triathlon
Okay. I’m gonna do it. No, seriously….this time I’m really gonna do it. I’ve batted around the idea of attempting to complete a triathlon for years. Ever since I started cycling 10 years ago I’ve watched the Ironman Triathlon with equal parts awe and intrigue. I hate to swim (I swim fine…I just don’t like to) and don’t run very well now that I’ve bulked up so much. The cycling leg is the only part that really appeals to me but the Libran in me is drawn to the notion of being an all around athlete. I’ve been reading the online journal of an IT geek who just finished Ironman Florida. That was enough to put me over the edge. I just think it would be cool to qualify for Ironman Hawaii. It’ll probably take me 2 years to get in shape to finish it.
Not all triathlons are Ironman distance so I’ll start with shorter ones to acclimate.
- Sprint Triathlon – Swim 0.45 miles – Bike 13.2 miles – Run 3.1 miles
- Olympic triathlon – Swim 0.9 miles – Bike 24 miles – Run 6.2 miles
- Half Ironman* – Swim 1.2 miles – Bike 56 miles – Run 13.1 miles
- Ironman – Swim 2.4 miles – Bike 112-miles – Run 26.2-miles
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- The Half Ironman is now called Ironman 70.3, which is the total distance covered. Apparently people objected to being called half men. :shrug:
I think I will need to get down to 200-205 lbs or so to be at a more ideal watts-per-lb ratio for the bike leg. Over the next year I will try to reach some smaller goals on the way to the biggie. I plan to attempt a couple of duathlons (run-bike-run), one or two century (100 mile) bike rides and work on swimming more regularly. I have done portions of a triathlon, just not in one day. I have run the Peachtree Road Race 10K in Atlanta and completed 4-5 bike rides of 75+ miles. I have never swam any great distance so I think that will be the hardest part. I know I don’t have it in me to run 24 miles and certainly not after biking 112 miles. I figure I will run halfway then walk halfway. I should be able to finish the marathon in 7 hours doing that. My bike time should be a little less than that and the swim leg should be 90-110 minutes or so. That can’t be far off the time limit but I’m not in it to win it. I just want to finish. No more heavy upper body workouts for me…just squats, leg curls, pushups and some ab work for vanity then I’ll focus on road biking, running, spinning class, elliptical/treadmill sessions…all low intensity now so I can build up my aerobic base. I just ordered another Polar HR monitor. The one I have now is a bit long in the tooth.
My long term game plan. Wish me luck!
2006 – Duathlons, Sprint Distance triathlon
2007 – Olympic Distance triathlon, Centuries
2008 – Half Ironman and more Centuries
2009 – Ironman Hawaii qualifier
How Ya Like Us Now, Bitch?!?
Posted by swingate | Filed under General
West Georgia Braves 29, #2 ranked in-state rival Valdosta State Blazers 15. They’re still going to the playoffs and we’re not but I’m going to milk this win every damn day til next September. Seven turnovers plus two more INT’s that were negated due to penalties, nine sacks and a net -16 yards on the ground. It was a beating much worse than the score indicated. Without our leage-leading TB we had to settle for 3 field goals.
On a sad note, this was possibly our last game as The Braves. The NCAA, in their infinite wisdom, has included West Georgia in the ban on Indian related mascots sports teams. UWG has narrowed the list of names down to a list of 12. I hate every one of them so much I refuse to list them here. I kinda like the University of West Georgia Blue Swarm but it’s too late to be added to the list.
