I need a vacation!
Posted by swingate | Filed under General, Sports
School has really been sucking lately. I’m taking Critical Thinking & Computer Logic. Being the geek that I am I zeroed in on the word computer and thought “this will be a piece of cake”. Wrong! The class wouldn’t really be that hard if not for the overbearing anal-retentive instructor that I would like to see being blown up. I’m already tiring of the incessant amount of writing Univ. of Phoenix requires to make up for the fact that you’re not going to class every day. Between the required discussion questions, the optional ones, the weekly individual paper and the weekly team paper we’re probably kicking out 2,500-3,000 words each week. I actually skipped one paper and forfeited the points so an A is out the window. My 3.66 GPA is about to take it on the chin.
On a positive note after an 0-2 start the West Georgia Braves are now 6-3 and they’ve locked up the first winning season in 4 yrs. Since the first game blowout we’ve lost two games by a total of nine points. Unfortunately we finish the season with #16 North Alabama then our in-state rival #3 Valdosta State. We actually spanked UNA last year so I’m hoping for an upset in one of those games. I can’t wait for the draft. We may have two linebackers and a punter picked.
Just Do It!
Posted by swingate | Filed under Amore & Vita, General
Too often we are scared
Scared of what we might not be able to do.
Scared of what people might think if we tried.
We let our fears stand in the way of our hopes.
We say no when we want to say yes.
We sit quietly with the others when we want to scream.
And we shout with the others,
when we should keep our mouths shut.
Why?
After all,
We do only go around once.
THERE REALLY IS NO TIME TO BE AFRAID.
So stop.
Try something you’ve never tried.
Risk it.
Enter a triathlon.
Write a letter to the editor.
Demand a raise.
Call winner at the toughest court.
Throw away your television.
Bicycle across the United States.
Try bobsledding.
Try anything.
Speak out against the designated hitter.
Travel to a country where you don’t speak the language.
Patent something.
CALL HER.
You have nothing to lose.
AND EVERYTHING
EVERYTHING….
EVERYTHING TO GAIN.
JUST DO IT.
Proof that she is truly as stupid as we all think
Posted by swingate | Filed under General
“I get to go to a lot of overseas places, like Canada.” – Britney Spears
Oh well…at least she’ll still be hot for a few more years. She may be white trash but few chicks clean up as good as ole Britney can.
How ya livin?
Posted by swingate | Filed under General
|
How You Live Your Life |
 You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is. You’re laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences. You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it. |
TEXAS CHILI CONTEST
Posted by swingate | Filed under General
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know
how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster
named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting,
so
I accepted”.
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI…
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not
sure
what
I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they
saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI…
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose
feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from
all
of the
beer.
CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC…
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid,
was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to
look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead
and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips
off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
CHILI # 6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY…
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow
cone.
CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and
I
wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve
decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting
any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI…
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he’s going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to
really hot chili?
Judge # 3 (Frank) – No Report
Weekly Humor
Posted by swingate | Filed under General, Jokes
The President of the United States of America, George W. Bush had a heart attack and died.
He went to hell where the devil was waiting for him. “I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You’re on my list but I
have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do.
I’ve got 3 people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even
let YOU decide who leaves.” George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and
surfacing gasping for air, then immediately diving back into the water again over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”
The devil let him to the next room. In it was British Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All
he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. “No Way, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. It would be constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” Commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw former President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over
his head and his legs in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at
this in disbelief for awhile and finally said, “Yeah I could handle this.”
The devil smiled and said . . . “Monica, you’re free to go!”
Things You SHOULDN’T have Learned In College
Posted by swingate | Filed under General, Jokes
I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but I can assure you that at no point in my lifetime will I knowingly allow my probably drunk friends to do anything remotely resembling the following. Mom & Pops are probably paying $10-15K per semester for darling daughter to learn how to become a circus sideshow act.
-Warning- Nudity, alcohol and flames…always a good combination.
