A primer for young men, how to deal with women
Posted by swingate | Filed under General, Lust, Phun
Shamelessly stolen from another website.
As a stunningly successful man of the world, I am often asked, “swingset, how can I, a nebbish dweeb, hope to score hot babes and find a great lady like you did?”
And, often, my answer is simple and direct. Usually something like “Dream on, dork”.
But, today, I’m feeling altruistic and I am going to let the young men of Arfcom in on a few of the lesser known secrets of that crazy species we call womenz. There are many mysteries of the universe, vast unknowable chasms of wonder out there, but the gals are not one of them. They are not like us, but they are not without a purpose or a plan and I happen to know most of it. I have stayed at many a Holiday Inn Express, and I have had my 31 flavors of pie.
So, if you are between the ages of 15 and 25, or mentally so, pay attention and tattoo these pearls on the inside of your thigh. When you have lived a long and failed life of disasterous encounters with the fairer sex, you will want to read back my little laundry list and slap yourself for not taking it to heart.
Item 1: Do not listen to what women have to say about women. They are not privy to the keen powers of self-instropection, nor are they honest when the mirror paints the picture of womanhood in a less-than-flattering light. If women were to be trusted about how they tick, we’d all have it figured out, and women would be happy. Society is afraid of saying what I am, that women have been led to believe they are a noble half of the human race, and more suited to matters of the heart. Fact is, they’re just as clueless as you. Next.
Item 2: Women are 95% a product of the relationship (or lack thereof) between they and their fathers. Men are made by their mothers, women by their dads. If daddy beat them, left them, or otherwise was a shitbag, you had better believe they will not have healthy impulses and chaos will follow them throughout their days. This is an absolute, so trust me when I say, if they don’t have a healthy relationship with pops, they’re not having one with you either, so fucking run. Yes, they’re going to be fun in the sackeroo, but trust me….run. That other 5% of their nature comes from lucky genetics, but you’re not turning that into anything by yourself. You ain’t fixing a broken girl, so just run.
Item 3: To attract women, you need but one thing….to be in charge. Not necessarily of the world or the building you work in, but in charge of your surroundings. You need to be in charge of whatever setting you and the womenz will be in. In any herd of animals, the females obey the alpha. You must be, no matter what the situation, the “guy”. You might need to be the funny guy, or the cool guy, or the host, or the entertainer, or even the “taken” one, but you had better be the center of attention that day. To be this thing, you need some confidence, you need your shit in order, and you need some sort of talent that will put you in the alpha spot – no matter if that’s at the library or at the night club. Women do not fawn at the slowest, weakest gazelle. They look at what’s running out front, and follow. Get your life in order. Women are not laying in the tub right now letting the water hit the pink parts dreaming about a gun nut who’s playing Rainbow Six in his mom’s basement. You follow? This leads me to item 4.
Item 4: Women, real women, do not want a boy. They want a man, so be one. Don’t get dickhead haircuts, tribal tats, spinners for your ghey car, the latest trendy clothes or skin care products. These are the tools of vain boys, and a woman does not want these things from you even if she acts like she does. You may get some dates, you may get laid, you may even get married by being a boy…..but bet your ass that your woman will dream of a man (which is not you).
Item 5: Women, contrary to ARFcom legend, do not want sex that often…especially once the relationship cools off (normalizes). If they do crave the weenie all the time, they are messed up (see item #1). Women do not have testesterone pumping through their organs, and will not crave sex, at least not like you think they do. Get used to it, deal with it, and make your peace with the fact that a normal woman wants sex about 1/10th as much as you. Sadly, the sexaholic women are usually reliving some sort of childhood trauma, and sex gives them control over their neuroses about that past. See, women have sex for very different reasons than we do. They have it to feel sexy, to feel loved, to feel wanted, even to feel in charge….but they don’t have that physical drive like us. We, by contrast, have sex to purge the evil venom from our balls, and that’s about the extent of it.
Item 6: There is nothing a woman can sniff out like desperation. If you have even one tiny cell of creepy in you, she’ll smell it all over you like a possum carcus in the sun. One of the lessons of adulthood is FUCKING RELAX. Do it, for all our sakes. Don’t chase women, for there is no need. Be a man, be yourself, have a good time and get your life in order, and the women will forever come to you. Believe this fellas…..nothing could be truer. If young swingset would have only known this…. but that’s another story and it involves copious masturbation and alot of Boone’s Farm.
Item 7: Women, contrary to another urban legend, are shitbags too. They will have you convinced, if you talk to them enough, that they are the masters of reason and emotion. Bullshit, fellas. They are contriving, maniacal masters of chaos and work feverishly against their own happiness sometimes. Nothing will disturb a woman so deeply to her core as true contentment. Some women shudder at the thought of a placid, pleasing life. It’s a very rare thing, a woman at peace and comfortable with herself….so when you find one, say “I do” and keep her away from other women. Wanna see proof of this? Work along side alot of women. When one finds happiness, the others go about dismantling hers with ant-like industry. Nothing on earth is quite so destructive as women screwing with a happy one. It’s a pretty safe bet that if your lady friends hang out with other girls, they will try (even unwittingly), to fuck you up. Sorry girls, you know this one is true.
Item 8: Get to know your prospective inlaws….even if you have no idea you’re going to marry the girl you’re banging. If you don’t love them like they’re your own parents, RUN. Seriously, it’s that simple. Run. Look at their relationship – her mother and father’s. Look at it hard, because that’s you in 25 years….or some variation of it. Your woman will make sure of it, because she’s hard wired to.
Item 9: A woman’s beauty is her worst enemy, and her only true servant. Be very afraid of a woman who has relied, or counted on her looks to survive or succeed – for when those looks or your attention to them wanes, she will self-destruct before your eyes. You will come home to find her gone, or on top of your best friend. Again, not to drive a point too fine, but stay away from the 10’s. A stripper model does not live to enjoy a 50 year wedding anniversary, and she will not change your diapers when you’re old. Believe it or not, that stuff really matters. You, like women, are driven by your nature. If you’re always attracted to the worst kind of women, it’s not their fault bucko. It’s yours….so fight your impulses and go with what’s smart not what “feels good”.
Item 10: Lastly, I leave you with this. It’s a difficult lesson to be a man. It’s a painful, self-sacrificing labor and part of the human condition to be a man. You must accept that much of your life and your ties to women rely on your honor and your good nature. Sadly, most of us choose our mates based on nothing more than a tiny dab of sexual experience and a lot of ignorance about human nature. The women you meet, fall in love with, screw, and hurt, are all human beings with complex pasts, desires and dreams. Treat each woman, no matter who she is, as if she is your best friend’s girl. Give her respect, even if you don’t choose to engage her in a meaningful way. Understand that she is a daughter, a sister and someone’s baby and if she’s not good enough to be kind to, then leave her alone. Your dealings with the chicks will come back to haunt you, and each shitty act will be revisited on you, or your children, or your future women. Trust me here…it really happens. Be a good man, a smart man and an observant man, and women will not be a source of pain in your life. Take my word on it.
PS, I know this will make its way to the ladies forum….because I’ve divulged trade secrets. And, I predict much of it will be hotly debated by the womenz of ARFcom, whom I love and respect. However, let none of that diminish my wisdom….if they don’t acknowledge my genius, then it just proves Item #1. Sorry gals.
Hot enough for ya?
Posted by swingate | Filed under General, Jokes
I’ll be visiting next Texas next month so this seemed apropos. I’ll be meeting a hot chick or two but I am not looking forward to the heat. Heat is why I left Atlanta. Heat is why i’m in no hurry to get back to Atlanta…..well, heat, outrageous spring pollen counts, rednecks.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN. . . .
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and
end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out
and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk. Ah, what a place to call home.
God Bless Our State of Texas
I’m a baad man
Posted by swingate | Filed under General
My eyeglasses broke so I got some new ones with clipon sun shades. I’ve wanted to be able to wear shades for a while now so I’m happy. I inherited my dad’s bowling ball head shape, something that irks me beyond words.
10 Things You Might Not Know About Me
Posted by swingate | Filed under General, Phun
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You remember that one guy in every ’80’s teen angst movie like Duckie in “Pretty In Pink”, the one that never got the girl for whatever reason? That was me and still is to this day.
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I am the undisputed King of Unrequited love.
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My 15 minutes of fame was being two-time Mr. Teenage Atlanta.
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I am 1/8 American Indian, but you can’t tell by looking.
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I haven’t been in a fight of any kind since I was 13.
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I believe a fear of failure is what motivates me most.
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In high school I got a certificate for good attendance. I probably didn’t miss 15 days total from 1st grade thru 12th. (I made up for it in college)
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I moved across country for someone I met on AOL.
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I haven’t had sex with a black girl since college. I’m too white for most of them. Things are looking up now.
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I am a classic underachiever
Only The Good Die Young
Posted by swingate | Filed under Amore & Vita, General
Last night I found out that one of my online friends died of a heart attack…..2 months ago. He was only 47 years old. He stopped posting on the forums months beforehand so nobody thought anything of it. Eventually someone noticed his obituary and confirmed it was in fact him. I had the chance to meet him in person about a year ago with some other online pals and I’m a better man for having done so. It did give me cause to rethink some of the choices I’ve made regarding exercise. Many of my friends are weightlifters and as such are mostly concerned with their outer appearance and raw strength. They hate cardio and only do it when they have to. Now that I’m advancing in years I can’t afford to be this narrowly focused. I’ll take a 50bpm resting heart rate over 19″ arms any day of the week. There’s no practicality in being able to bench press 400 lbs whereas a strong heart helps me every day when I walk up the 8 flights of steps to my apartment. I’m going to concern myself with inner health from now – monitoring my blood pressure, keeping cholesterol in check, getting/keeping my weight below 215 lbs and keeping my body fat around 10-12%. I plan to start a family in a few years and I want to be around to see my son suit up for the University of Georgia football team. Carpe diem!
