Sometimes it pays to play dumb
Posted by swingate | Filed under General
I submit into evidence this joke:
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”
April 18, 2005
Posted by swingate | Filed under Amore & Vita, General
A day which shall live in infamy. This the date she first approached me on IRC. Now scarcely a month later I am absolutely convinced that 10 years from now she and I will have a house in Texas and two drop-dead gorgeous children together…..well at least if they get her looks instead of mine. This is the woman I’ve been praying for for the last 15 agonizing years. She is everything I could possibly want in a life partner and I seem to be the same for her although for the life of me I can’t figure out why such a gorgeous creature could be interested in me. Perhaps the most shocking thing of all – gasp – SHE’S BLACK! Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus. I haven’t dated a black woman since college (that’s 1986 for those that don’t know). Okay she’s actually biracial but thanks to the one-drop rule thrust upon us in year’s past that counts as black pretty much everywhere. Black, dammit…..not African American…..B-L-A-C-K! I can seriously see myself putting a ring on her finger the first time we meet. I won’t do such a ludicrous and foolhardy thing but I can envision it still.
All the responsibility I have subconsciously feared and avoided in the past, I want to take on for her…….NOW! Odd that this is all happening now, after I said I would spend the entire year exploring wanton lust with every woman I could get my hands on. For the last month I’ve had 5-6 women trying to get a piece of me…more than I know what to do with. Well, I know what I have to do with them now and that’s avoid them at all costs. They’re all largely forgettable women for the most part………………except one. She is my Kryptonite and thus will take all the strength and determination I can muster.
I finally have a reason not just to exist…but to live and enjoy being alive. Nothing but the absolute best for both of us will do from this point forward. Task #1 – finish my degree. Hello, Univ. of Phoenix? Yes, I’d like to………
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
The South
Posted by swingate | Filed under General, Phun
Yeah, it gets hotter than hell in the summer time and the spring time pollen count is off the charts but there are a ton of hot chicks and I do miss it sometimes.
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That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
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It’s called a “gravel road.” No matter how slow you drive you’re going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get the hell out of the way.
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The red dirt — it’s called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don’t wash your car for a couple weeks — it’ll be permanent.
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We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
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Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for — bait.
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Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
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If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it’s not up to your ear at the time.
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No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
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Tea – yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot — sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened — add a lot of water.
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You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
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So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We’re real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
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Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.
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We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with “yes, sir” and “yes, ma’am,” and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
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We don’t do “hurry up” well.
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Greens – yeah, we have greens, but you don’t putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.
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Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.
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They are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t like it? Interstate 85 goes two ways – Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
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Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.
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The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
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So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it’s called being friendly. Understand the concept?
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Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they’re not baseball players.
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That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot — his name is “Sir,” no matter how young he is.
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We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they’ll leave a logo on your hood.
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You burn an American flag in our state, you get your ass kicked. No questions asked. Go ahead and try it if you have your doubts.
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No, we don’t care how you do things up North. If it is so great up there why not visit a Northern state or stay there. And no, down here, we don’t have the accent, you do.
Save Toby!
Posted by swingate | Filed under General
How come I never think up shit like this? I need a get rich quick scheme dammit.
Beautimous!
Posted by swingate | Filed under General
I upgraded the site to WordPress 1.5.1 on Friday; now I can change the whole look easier. The active theme is Connections from http://www.wpthemes.info.
Today is…..
Posted by swingate | Filed under General, Work
my one year anniversary at work. I’m finally eligible for a raise, the 401-K and profit sharing plan. Bitches better have my money. 
In other news last Monday was the 2-year anniversary of the first time I had sex with SBA….room 237. Maybe I’ll buy a lottery ticket with that number.
:sigh:
