It’s A Numbers Game
Posted by Dubbayoo | Filed under Amore & Vita, General, Lust
So..last night Belle and I had the “numbers” talk. You know the one. The one that sinks otherwise unsinkable ships. The “so what have you done and how many times have you done it” talk. Have you had this talk? If you haven’t do not have this talk. This is not a good talk. Nothing good can come from this talk. Inevitably comparisons are made and apparently for men AND women the competitive juices began to flow.
It was definitely eye-opening on both sides. We plowed through the Too Much Information barrier like a runaway freight train cutting thru melted butter…downhill….on a greased track…loaded with coal. It started off innocently enough. A few easy questions purely for entertainment value. Unfortunately simple questions occasionally require clarification which means divulging details that you may or may not want to know.
Disclaimer – Let me make it perfectly clear Belle’s number was actually quite low. It was only surprisingly in the sense that I naively assumed that I knew everything already…well I missed a couple.
Obviously being older (and a guy) my number was much higher than Belle’s. However taking my age into account I think my number is quite reasonable. She was not overly pleased about this revelation. I think what bothered her most was the fact that all of them, save one or two, were essentially hit & runs or friends w/benefits situations. She was and still is concerned about being “flavor of the month” or worse…yet another temporary diversion from the loneliness of daily life. One would think the fact that we have been involved on some level for nearly two years now would enough to assuage those fears but apparently not. Besides…it wasn’t for lack of trying. Actually it was but I digress.
When it’s all said and done the truth is we have absolutely no reason to be envious of anyone in our SO’s past. They are in the past for good reason. If they were really that fantastic they’d still be where you are right now. Leave it at that. Trust me on this one, folks. Thank you and good night.
Nookie By Numbers
Posted by Dubbayoo | Filed under Amore & Vita, General, Lust
So, you gave it up to the last guy on the first date and a week later, you’re shocked at the realization that he has no intention of calling back. What did you do wrong, you ask? You gave him exactly what you thought he wanted. Well, let me tell your dumb ass. The trick to winning a man over is to always save something for next time. Give him an incentive to keep coming back for more and more. The amount of time he has to spend with you prior to being given the key to your castle assures one of two things.
- If he hangs around long enough to score you can rest assured he has an interest in the real you…otherwise he would simply move on to easier targets.
- You will now know enough about him to decide if he’s worthy of becoming the keymaster.
Women control the world. I am amazed that many of you are too clueless (translation – desperate to be loved) to figure that out. You control half the money and all of the pussy, and if you have all the pussy it’s only a matter of time before you have all the money.
Okay, you asked for it…you got it. W’s “Nookie By Numbers” guide to dating success. You want to keep that man interested and coming back for more? Want to prevent him from thinking you’re a prude yet not give the store away too soon? Here’s how ya do it.
I should note that this timeline is assuming you’re seeing him once a week. If you see him 3 times a week and give it up at the end of week 2 you can still color him gone. He may come back for another spin around the block but he’s probably not viewing you as girlfriend material. Also note that this timeline is inappropriate for “internet relationships”. If you’ve been talking on the computer/phone for weeks or months before meeting that’s an entirely different animal. Personally I believe it is okay under those circumstances to go all the way on the first in-person date, once you feel assured he’s not a homocidal axe-wielding maniac.
Date #1 – The Courtesy Kiss
A friendly hug and quick peck on the mouth. You must not allow his lips to remain in contact with yours for more than one second, although an encore 2nd kiss is permissable as long as it is also does not exceed one full second in duration.
Date #2 – The Dental Office Visit
The second week brings more kissing. Tonight you explore each other’s mouths with your tongue. The kiss is combined with a groping hug as long as long as no hands attempt to reach under anyone’s clothing. No limit on the length of the kiss but remember, you do have to work on Monday. Feel free to comment on the quality of any dental work you notice during the inspection.
Date #3 – Thanks for the mammaries
More kissing and groping with the additional bonus that you introduce him to “the twins”. That’s right. Let him remove your bra and suckle to his heart’s content. Any attempt to undo the belt buckle is strictly VERBOTEN!
Date # 4 – Oral Majority
Now we’re getting down to brass tacks. This stage brings manual stimulation of the genitalia. It’s okay to polish his knob for a minute or so (unless you think that’s all he’ll last), but you don’t want to swallow just yet…not at this juncture….wouldn’t be prudent.
Date # 5 – I’M BUCK NEKKID!!!!!
This should be the first time he gets to see you fully undressed. Kissing, oral sex, masturbation…it’s all good here. NO PENETRATION. Say it with me now…NO PENETRATION! You want to go down on him while still keeping him motivated to give you yours. The reason you want to do him first is if he’s already orgasmed once he’ll be less inclined to try talking you into letting him put it in “just for a few seconds, baby”. The tricky part here is that he may also be less driven to return the favor. This is a blessing in disguise because if he doesn’t return the favor now he damn sure won’t do it 2-3 months from now when he’s all comfortable with belching and farting in your presence. Simulated intercourse is a fun one here, just grinding against each other especially is he’s a thong wearing Metrosexual. After all, if he’s naked he might try to “angle it in by mistake”. I tried that one a few months ago myself. It’s hard to do and look cool while you’re doing it so if he makes it work you know he’s got skillz.
Date # 6 – IT’S ON!
Open the castle and invite him in for a quick tour. Don’t get freaky here. No toys, no cameras, no third parties involved and NO ANAL SEX. No need to clean your ears out. You heard me. No anal sex. Yes, I’m aware this is coming from someone that is addicted to all things booty. Still…don’t do it.
Date # 7 – More of the same
Date # 8 – Smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em
Now you can let him see your wild side and give him some backdoor lovin. At this point you know whether or not he’s a keeper and he knows if you are. You’re both adults…do whatcha like.
And there you have it. W’s “Nookie By Numbers” manual for not just gettin a man, but keepin a man. I would love to see a survey quantifying the odds of a long term relationship when two people have sex on the first or second dates versus later. My guess is you’ll see a linear path with the odds going up the longer it takes. Any questions? 
- This post is meant to be a joke. I came up with this in less than 30 minutes so there’s a few situations unaccounted for. It doesn’t really apply to people you’ve known for a while whether it’s in-person or over the Internet. It’s assuming this is a totally new relationship and you’ve met this person within the last month at most. I seriously do believe there is some validity to this.
The keys to the Castle
Posted by Dubbayoo | Filed under Amore & Vita, General, Lust, Technology
There comes a point in every relationship where you begin to think this one may go the distance. He/she could be a keeper. When that time comes a man typically presents her with the “key to his castle”. Yes, you got it…her very own key to his apt/home. This is a huge step for us menfolk. It means we have to be absolutely sure she won’t let herself in at 1AM on a Tuesday only to find us boffing the waitress that served our dinner last weekend.
Well, this is 2006 and even internet relationships have their own equal. I believe I may have inadvertently crossed the demarcation when I gave Belle the ability to post her own blog entries here. When I did it I didn’t really think that she’d post since the last person that had such powers never did. Well, being the firebrand that she is Belle has already proven me wrong on that one. I guess it could get interesting if she ever posts when her monthly friend has come for a visit…hmmm….I better go check the calendar. 
Is cheating always cheating?
Posted by swingate | Filed under Amore & Vita, General, Lust
I’m driving in to work today and on the radio they’re talking about married women who cheat on their husbands with other women. The talk was about how women justified it and how would the husband feel if he found out. Some of the callers husbands knew and apparently were fine as long as they were aware of it. They just didn’t want the wife sneaking around. I wonder how wives would feel if their husband cheated on them with another man (ewww). There is certainly less stigma attached to seeing women being affectionate toward each other as opposed to seeing two swapping spit.
Personally I think I’d be much less pissed off if my spouse cheated with another woman, not that I’d be happy about it in any case. I view the situation with this analogy. Say I own a hamburger joint. I only sell beef hamburgers…no other type of sandwich. Someone comes up and asks for a chicken sandwich. I tell them I don’t have chicken; I just sell hamburgers. They want chicken so they leave in search of a place that sells chicken. Am I offended? No. That just means they wanted something else. It doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t know how to cook or that my hamburgers aren’t the best around. I think people just want something different sometimes. You could say the same about interracial sex. I don’t necessarily view one race as being better lovers than the other, but it’s fun to have a choice. Variety is the spice of life…although Paprika often gets a bad rap. 
Thoughts? Opinions?
In the ATL Part Deux…The Pee Break
Posted by swingate | Filed under Amore & Vita, General, Lust
So I’m traveling down the highway of life (translation: love)….stereo bumpin, Oakley shades kickin, top down, wind billowing thru (yes, thru) my que ball’ish bald head. I don’t have a map and though I know where I want to end up I have no clue how to get there.
At various points along the way you have to stop and see if you like the place you are at now. You pop into the station, grab some dinner or an appetizer or three, fill up the tank while you decide whether better things lie ahead or not. If this seems the place to be then you make yourself comfortable and begin to build a new life. If you feel there’s more out there then this stop is simply “a pee break” on the road happiness. You get back in the ride and continue on your merry way…content with the temporary satisfaction you’ve just experienced, tummy full and batteries recharged, ready to climb back into the steel chariot of love and do battle once again. I did a lot of peeing last year and you might even say I got peed on a couple of times. This year, sad to say, looks like more of the same.
This post was inspired by Belle….my latest pee break. I think I’ll loop around and fill’er up here again sometime in the future. The cooking wasn’t bad at all.
P.S. Ain’t I eloquent as all get out?
P.P.S. I guess eloquent doesn’t really apply when you’re typing, does it? Oh well…fuck y’all.
What Kind of Kisser Are You?
Posted by swingate | Filed under General, Lust, Phun
Part Passionate Kisser |
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For you, kissing is about all about following your urges |
Part Freaky Kisser |
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When you kiss, you want to experience something new |
A primer for young men, how to deal with women
Posted by swingate | Filed under General, Lust, Phun
Shamelessly stolen from another website.
As a stunningly successful man of the world, I am often asked, “swingset, how can I, a nebbish dweeb, hope to score hot babes and find a great lady like you did?”
And, often, my answer is simple and direct. Usually something like “Dream on, dork”.
But, today, I’m feeling altruistic and I am going to let the young men of Arfcom in on a few of the lesser known secrets of that crazy species we call womenz. There are many mysteries of the universe, vast unknowable chasms of wonder out there, but the gals are not one of them. They are not like us, but they are not without a purpose or a plan and I happen to know most of it. I have stayed at many a Holiday Inn Express, and I have had my 31 flavors of pie.
So, if you are between the ages of 15 and 25, or mentally so, pay attention and tattoo these pearls on the inside of your thigh. When you have lived a long and failed life of disasterous encounters with the fairer sex, you will want to read back my little laundry list and slap yourself for not taking it to heart.
Item 1: Do not listen to what women have to say about women. They are not privy to the keen powers of self-instropection, nor are they honest when the mirror paints the picture of womanhood in a less-than-flattering light. If women were to be trusted about how they tick, we’d all have it figured out, and women would be happy. Society is afraid of saying what I am, that women have been led to believe they are a noble half of the human race, and more suited to matters of the heart. Fact is, they’re just as clueless as you. Next.
Item 2: Women are 95% a product of the relationship (or lack thereof) between they and their fathers. Men are made by their mothers, women by their dads. If daddy beat them, left them, or otherwise was a shitbag, you had better believe they will not have healthy impulses and chaos will follow them throughout their days. This is an absolute, so trust me when I say, if they don’t have a healthy relationship with pops, they’re not having one with you either, so fucking run. Yes, they’re going to be fun in the sackeroo, but trust me….run. That other 5% of their nature comes from lucky genetics, but you’re not turning that into anything by yourself. You ain’t fixing a broken girl, so just run.
Item 3: To attract women, you need but one thing….to be in charge. Not necessarily of the world or the building you work in, but in charge of your surroundings. You need to be in charge of whatever setting you and the womenz will be in. In any herd of animals, the females obey the alpha. You must be, no matter what the situation, the “guy”. You might need to be the funny guy, or the cool guy, or the host, or the entertainer, or even the “taken” one, but you had better be the center of attention that day. To be this thing, you need some confidence, you need your shit in order, and you need some sort of talent that will put you in the alpha spot – no matter if that’s at the library or at the night club. Women do not fawn at the slowest, weakest gazelle. They look at what’s running out front, and follow. Get your life in order. Women are not laying in the tub right now letting the water hit the pink parts dreaming about a gun nut who’s playing Rainbow Six in his mom’s basement. You follow? This leads me to item 4.
Item 4: Women, real women, do not want a boy. They want a man, so be one. Don’t get dickhead haircuts, tribal tats, spinners for your ghey car, the latest trendy clothes or skin care products. These are the tools of vain boys, and a woman does not want these things from you even if she acts like she does. You may get some dates, you may get laid, you may even get married by being a boy…..but bet your ass that your woman will dream of a man (which is not you).
Item 5: Women, contrary to ARFcom legend, do not want sex that often…especially once the relationship cools off (normalizes). If they do crave the weenie all the time, they are messed up (see item #1). Women do not have testesterone pumping through their organs, and will not crave sex, at least not like you think they do. Get used to it, deal with it, and make your peace with the fact that a normal woman wants sex about 1/10th as much as you. Sadly, the sexaholic women are usually reliving some sort of childhood trauma, and sex gives them control over their neuroses about that past. See, women have sex for very different reasons than we do. They have it to feel sexy, to feel loved, to feel wanted, even to feel in charge….but they don’t have that physical drive like us. We, by contrast, have sex to purge the evil venom from our balls, and that’s about the extent of it.
Item 6: There is nothing a woman can sniff out like desperation. If you have even one tiny cell of creepy in you, she’ll smell it all over you like a possum carcus in the sun. One of the lessons of adulthood is FUCKING RELAX. Do it, for all our sakes. Don’t chase women, for there is no need. Be a man, be yourself, have a good time and get your life in order, and the women will forever come to you. Believe this fellas…..nothing could be truer. If young swingset would have only known this…. but that’s another story and it involves copious masturbation and alot of Boone’s Farm.
Item 7: Women, contrary to another urban legend, are shitbags too. They will have you convinced, if you talk to them enough, that they are the masters of reason and emotion. Bullshit, fellas. They are contriving, maniacal masters of chaos and work feverishly against their own happiness sometimes. Nothing will disturb a woman so deeply to her core as true contentment. Some women shudder at the thought of a placid, pleasing life. It’s a very rare thing, a woman at peace and comfortable with herself….so when you find one, say “I do” and keep her away from other women. Wanna see proof of this? Work along side alot of women. When one finds happiness, the others go about dismantling hers with ant-like industry. Nothing on earth is quite so destructive as women screwing with a happy one. It’s a pretty safe bet that if your lady friends hang out with other girls, they will try (even unwittingly), to fuck you up. Sorry girls, you know this one is true.
Item 8: Get to know your prospective inlaws….even if you have no idea you’re going to marry the girl you’re banging. If you don’t love them like they’re your own parents, RUN. Seriously, it’s that simple. Run. Look at their relationship – her mother and father’s. Look at it hard, because that’s you in 25 years….or some variation of it. Your woman will make sure of it, because she’s hard wired to.
Item 9: A woman’s beauty is her worst enemy, and her only true servant. Be very afraid of a woman who has relied, or counted on her looks to survive or succeed – for when those looks or your attention to them wanes, she will self-destruct before your eyes. You will come home to find her gone, or on top of your best friend. Again, not to drive a point too fine, but stay away from the 10’s. A stripper model does not live to enjoy a 50 year wedding anniversary, and she will not change your diapers when you’re old. Believe it or not, that stuff really matters. You, like women, are driven by your nature. If you’re always attracted to the worst kind of women, it’s not their fault bucko. It’s yours….so fight your impulses and go with what’s smart not what “feels good”.
Item 10: Lastly, I leave you with this. It’s a difficult lesson to be a man. It’s a painful, self-sacrificing labor and part of the human condition to be a man. You must accept that much of your life and your ties to women rely on your honor and your good nature. Sadly, most of us choose our mates based on nothing more than a tiny dab of sexual experience and a lot of ignorance about human nature. The women you meet, fall in love with, screw, and hurt, are all human beings with complex pasts, desires and dreams. Treat each woman, no matter who she is, as if she is your best friend’s girl. Give her respect, even if you don’t choose to engage her in a meaningful way. Understand that she is a daughter, a sister and someone’s baby and if she’s not good enough to be kind to, then leave her alone. Your dealings with the chicks will come back to haunt you, and each shitty act will be revisited on you, or your children, or your future women. Trust me here…it really happens. Be a good man, a smart man and an observant man, and women will not be a source of pain in your life. Take my word on it.
PS, I know this will make its way to the ladies forum….because I’ve divulged trade secrets. And, I predict much of it will be hotly debated by the womenz of ARFcom, whom I love and respect. However, let none of that diminish my wisdom….if they don’t acknowledge my genius, then it just proves Item #1. Sorry gals.
